Narcissistic Abuse — guidance

Living life with a narcissist, especially when you cannot avoid it, is painful, difficult and often misunderstood.

But what even is a narcissist?

Narcissists can be anyone — a parent, a sibling, a friend or a partner. Contrary to popular belief, narcissists don’t really love themselves, in fact — they’re driven by shame. They work hard to avoid feeling shame, but if someone feels a lot of shame about their early life, it can turn them into a narcissist. I supposed it’s easier to have a grandiose, arrogant mask than to face what’s going on inside. Narcissists create an idealised image of themselves, which they then use to convince themselves and others as reality. Deep down, however, narcissists are aware of the gap between their mask and their true self. To fill this gap, narcissists always use destructive defence mechanisms that destroy relationships and cause pain and damage to their loved ones.

What turns someone into a narcissist?

Studies have repeatedly shown that experiencing abuse/neglect/trauma in childhood can result in permanent changes to the developing human brain. These changes in brain structure are significant enough to potentially cause psychological and emotional problems in adulthood, sometimes also leading to psychological disorders.
According to research, clear differences were found in brain regions that help balance emotions and impulses and self-centred thinking. This means that people who have been through childhood abuse or neglect have a harder time controlling their urges and making rational decisions due to actual physical changes in their brain development.

Types of abuse

The worst thing is not being able to leave. From the outside, it's so easy to think that you should block / ghost / ignore. However, the reality is — it’s not easy. Especially if it’s a partner or a family member. The key here is to identify it and know how to protect yourself first and foremost. So, let’s identify the different types of abuse first and then talk about DOs and DONTs:

Verbal abuse: belittling, bullying, accusing, blaming, shaming, demanding, ordering, threatening, criticising, sarcasm, raging, opposing, undermining, interrupting, blocking, and name-calling. However, you do have to consider the context, malice, and frequency of the behaviour before you call it narcissistic abuse.
Manipulation: indirectly influencing someone to behave in a way that benefits the manipulator. Harmless & complimentary on the surface, but you feel degraded or sense a hostile intent beneath the surface. You may not have recognised manipulation if you were manipulated as a child.
Emotional blackmail: Threats, anger, warnings, intimidation, or punishment are all examples of emotional blackmail. It’s a type of deception that makes you doubt yourself. You may experience fear, obligation, or guilt (which can be referred to as “FOG.”)
Gaslighting: the deliberate manipulation of your perceptions of reality or intentionally making you believe that you are mentally ill.
Competition: Trying to outdo you to stay on top, sometimes through unethical means, such as cheating in a game.
Negative contrasting: Making unnecessarily negative comparisons between you and them (or even other people).
Sabotage: interfering with your work or relationships for the purpose of retaliation or personal gain.
Exploitation and objectification: when someone uses or exploits you for their own personal gain without regard for your feelings or needs.
Lying: Repeated deception in order to avoid responsibility or achieve their own goals.
Withholding: Withholding things from you such as money, sex, communication, or affection.
Neglect: defined as ignoring the needs of a child who is the abuser’s responsibility. This also includes child endangerment — the act of placing or leaving a child in a dangerous situation.
Invasion of privacy: Looking through your belongings, phone, or mail without your permission, denying your privacy, stalking or following you, ignoring privacy you’ve requested.
Character assassination or slander: Spreading malicious gossip or lies about you to other people.
Violence: This includes blocking your movement, spitting at you, pulling hair, throwing things, or destroying your property.
Financial abuse: Controlling you through economic dominance or draining your finances through extortion, theft, manipulation, or gambling, or accruing debt in your name or selling your personal property.
Isolation: Isolating you from friends, family, or access to outside services and support through control, manipulation, verbal abuse, character assassination, or other means of abuse.

What to do:

1. Create a support system: Living with a narcissist can lead to feelings of insecurity, confusion, and self-doubt. Make sure you have a core group of people in your life that you can trust and that can support you.
2. Rebuild your self-esteem and confidence: This can be through self-care or help from a professional counsellor. Yes, this won’t cure the narcissist, but it may help YOU work certain things out. A counsellor can also show you ways to approach problem-solving with the narcissist.
3. Learn to communicate effectively: Speak up for yourself. When you need something, be clear and concise. Make sure they understand your request.
4. Set boundaries: It may upset or disappoint the narcissist, but that’s OK. Remember, it’s not your job to control that person’s emotions or how they react to situations. Leave their anger with them, and set that boundary!
5. Stay calm: Try not to react if they try to pick a fight or gaslight you (making you doubt your own reality). If they lash out, think of them as a 3-year-old who feels rejected because their parent has set a bedtime.

What NOT to do:

1. Don’t argue or confront. As difficult as it may be to constantly tiptoe around them, it can be better to not let them feel like they’re in charge.
2. Don’t try to direct them. Narcissists like to have control and often fear losing it.
3. Don’t expect them to see your point of view. Narcissists don’t like to admit when they’re wrong or that they’re unlovable, so trying to make them see things your way could / will backfire.
4. Don’t expect deep, meaningful communication. Narcissists have very little empathy, so honest, heartfelt communication often doesn’t get through and can even create an angry outburst or shutdown response.
5. Don’t go over past issues. Don’t try to make them see a long line of behaviour dating back years. Stay in the present, even if they bring up the past.

People with narcissistic personality disorder usually don’t change, so keep that in mind. Even if you learn to manage your relationship better, it probably won’t ever be a healthy relationship. Also (and this is important) if you read all of this and realised that you have been experiencing and dealing with a narcissist, please know this: Love should never hurt. Do you hear me? One more time, read it out loud: Love should never hurt.

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References:

Dogson, L. (2018, March 20). Feeling intense shame can turn some people into narcissists — here’s how. Business Insider. https://www.businessinsider.com/how-shame-can-create-a-narcissist-2018-3?r=US&IR=T

Teicher, M. H., Anderson, C. M., Ohashi, K., & Polcari, A. (2014). Childhood Maltreatment: Altered Network Centrality of Cingulate, Precuneus, Temporal Pole and Insula. Biological Psychiatry, 76(4), 297–305. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.biopsych.2013.09.016